Moral Confusion

The more i read hollis' blog the more i worry. I feel as though i should do something to help her feel better but i don't know what. Many times I've thought of dropping by her house and asking if she wanted to watch a movie but then i think that that could remind her of Aaron and she'll become more sad and things will be stressed between us for a while, and i don't like the thought of that. But at the same time I see things getting worse and i think that there has to be something i can do to help and the cycle continues. Being a good friend can be so frustrating at times...

In other news, my weekend with the family in gig harbor was fun. Right now i'm in puyallup, sitting in my aunts house, and it is poring. I miss my friends and I miss the theatre. I miss the atmosphere in Sheldon. i miss 4 lb tubs of licorice. i wanna go home... i miss,... my routine.

memories

formatting might be terrible, writing this from my phone. while looking for my ds (which for some reason, not being able to find it makes me want to cry) I came across something I wrote last year. as I read it I thought of what might have inspired it. I realized that I wrote it when megan was having her big breakdowns almosr a year ago. so megan, this is a song I started writing for you but never finished: our time is near
the start is here
with all our knowledge
what's there to fear

all time is a thought
it's here, then it's not
experiences come
just to be forgot
but look into your heart
you and I are connected
in a way that's not taught
to those would stop.


so there you have it. I might get around to finishing it someday.

it is 3:20

and i have been awake for... 33ish hours... is that a bad thing? going to garretts tomorrow... well i guess it's today isn't it, staying there till Wednesday... then coming back home. renewing my permit thursday morning then going to washington... i bought pokemon heart gold... but i can't find my ds... i'm kinda getting concerned... i have scoured my house for it and still no sign... the ride up to washington is going to be hell... unless i drive... which i probably won't cause my mom can't stand being in the passenger seat on long drives... ramble ramble ramble... i see tape... i want to play with tape... can i make a ds out of tape... silly me... of course not... unless i had a huge power source... then maybe... got a haircut today... errrrr... yesterday.... i don't even know what's really real right now... am i actually typing? or am i just imagining it?... i'm cccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... i used my knife to separate the fake vest from my han solo halloween costume then i continued to tear it apart... hmmmm//// it is now 3:28 good night........ maybe.................................................................................................................... ......................................................COLON.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................dot..................................................period............................. squiggle

keeping it short

i don't have much to write about. the only reason i'm writing is because i have writers block and am writing and important paper. it's for my heath class. i'm writing about our obese child Ping-Pang. i know its bad, but just wait till you hear the rest of the family, the dad is Jesus and the mom is Jen... we are terrible people...
time for the poem.
this one is by Alan Vigor and is titled On the Edge
Mind like mush
brain in turmoil
control breaking down
isolation and pain
emptiness and hate
for far too long
this has been my fate
throw me a lifeline
a miracle or rope
to get through this life
or at least give me hope.

Vocal extremities B-A

so this one'll be pretty short. woke up this morning and my voice felt a lot lower than it normally does when i wake up, so i got to my piano and it turns out that i could audibly bit a low B. so after lots of singing with dubs, i'm walking around playing my guitar and i star playing You and I Both and singing a long. i decide to try and belt the highest note in the song and i do it without a break or anything... it was an A above mid C. that is all for today....
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I'm gonna give you two poems today because i found an awesome one and still want to find one that applies to me right now: so here's the awesome one
YOUNG SIMBA (LION) by Mdari Mtuweta Jacob

When the scattered dust settles
And the wind stands still
When the birds stop singing
And take up positions on the trees
When the chirping insects hush
And move to safer grounds
when hunters tuck-in their arrows
And race towards the sound of the mighty roar
When bovines stop eating and observe from a distance
As they ruminate over the situation
when the bees take a break and peep from their hives
and the nocturnal creatures are seen
creeping from their sleeping dens
in broad day light
fixing their gaze towards the might roar
when all other echoes stop calling
and the only echo calling is that of a mighty roar
Then,
A challenge has just been made
A young male lion has just roared
And a king, an old guard
has been challenged
Young simba wants the king’s
Pride, territory and honor
In short,
Young simba wants the lion’s share
He wants supremacy over the savannah
All are aware
A call to war
Is one that can’t be turned down?
A duel is inevitable
A duel is imminent
And as the plains come to a stand
All eyes are focused on the two fighters
Who are keying up for a combat
A combat
That is more often than not ended by death
So they all gather to witness
What is it going to be?
Crowing of a new king
Or,
Confirmation of supremacy by an old guard
Winner takes it all
The fight is on
They circle each other
Sizing each other up
And leap towards each other simultaneously
They meet in the air
And clash
With claws and canines on the offensive
They claw, they bite, they roll
They flatten the grass
Crush the shrubs and flowers
And cause the earth to tremble
Further away,
Spectators move from the fighters
As blood starts dripping
Bones get crushed
Mane ripped out
And flesh is shredded
“So, the lion too bleeds” a shocked rabbit asks
“I wonder how its flesh taste?” the hyena wonders
“ Very nice, very tasty,
Once I killed and ate a male lion” the silver- backed jackal lies
The battle heats up
they look ferocious and terribly frightening
‘awesome’ the tortoise softly whispers
‘indeed’ the hedgehog answers back
little surprise they are called
lords of the jungle
the monkeys cheer young simba
the foxes wait to see who is winning,
so they can cheer him
the baboons are loyal to their king
and wonder if they can help him
and for the lioness and their cubs
they can only watch and wait

young simba is losing
he breaks-off limping and running
and this disappoints the vultures circling above
and the hyenas too
they’d hoped the combat would end with the
death of at least one of the fighters
how they had whetted their appetites
for a rare delicacy
how they had looked forward
to feasting on the remains of royalty
young simba flees
but they all know
they haven’t seen the last of him
the old guard has triumphed,
but narrowly
his experience has saved him.... today
young simba was stronger but impetuous
he wanted to make short work of the king
he failed got wounded and wiser
soon a call to battle will be echoed again
and once again everything will stand still
to witness a duel
and may be, just may be
a new king will be crowned
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and if you stuck through that here is the one that applies to me right now:
this is Why? by Kevin Berdine
Why?

Why do we listen,
when we know the song will end?
Why do we cherish,
when we know that love will abandon us?
Why do we nurture those
that are bound to leave the nest?
Why do we thrive,
only to fade back into the Earth?
Why are you there?
Why am I here?

Why does spring bring a beauty
that will be smothered by the cold?
Why am I lonely in a room full of people?
Why is there pain?
Why am I here?

Does my presence here really matter?
Will my absence?
Do my breaths steal air
from the lungs of others?

As I search for the answers,
I only find more to question.
Why do we live?
Why am I here?

Why?

It's been a while

i meant to blog when i got home form the opera on friday, but slept instead, i meant to write saturday but watched tv instead, same with sunday, but i'm writing now... obviously... boy is there a lot on my mind, some of which i'll express now some i won't.

ok, back to friday, that was the most fun i've had in a long while. i don't know why but for the first time in a long time, i actually felt like i was fully accepted with a group of people, the fun started when i got back from bi-mart and found out that a few people going to the opera were going out and just chillin', i managed to catch a ride with Kaitlyn Joel and daniel. i've never felt super comfortable in Kaitlyns car, mainly cause i don't know her all that well, but whatever, i also didn't know that kaitlyn and daniel were dating till then, but everyone saw it coming at some point. First was a lunch at some mexican place near a cool little secluded doughnut shop. if i remember correctly i was with Ben, Daniel, Kade, Stephanie, Kaitlyn, Joel, Carly and Zoe. even though i didn't get much it was a lot of fun, found out that Joel and i went to kindergarten together, small world. from there we went to the little secluded doughnut shop, it was a really friendly place, only one person was working and she was extremely friendly. on the walls outside the shop the had clouds painted on a blue sky and it made me miss summer all the more. after doughnuts zoe left and the rest of us went to joels house to watch a movie. we were going to watch a Disney movie but Joels VCR wasn't working so we watched moulin rouge instead. most of us crowded on the couch while daniel was on the floor and patrick, who showed up at joels house almost at the same time we did without having been told that people were going to be there, on Joel's recliner. after the movie there was about an hour till the show started so stephanie went home to get clean (i don't actually know why she left but that's what i assume happened) kade took ben to his (kade's) house for dinner and the rest of us stayed at joel's. eric called and ended up chilling at Joel's with us. Patrick and i left early so i could get some money and so he could pick up stephanie. when we go to the hult Center we ran into Erin (i think that's how his name is spelt) and Samone (ran into Nick R.A. later but before the doors opened) so we waited till the doors opened with them. once in we waited for people and got tickets (Hollis and Carly were a bit behind the rest of us so we got their tickets for them). after that we went to get taco bell... i was reminded why not to get in a car with patrick when you are downtown... he almost took us (Nick Stephanie and me) the wrong way on a one way road... but we made it to taco bell alive scarfed down some food and got back to the hult center in time for the show.

Lights come up. on stage you see a chair a small little table with some random stuff on it, a crucifix slowly lowers via one of the hult center's rigging systems, being one to notice small insignificant details, i notice that the stage left side of the crucifix is slightly higher than the rest. Enter, Dr. Faust, he looks a little distraught you soon find out why though the first aria of the night. he then calls upon the devil and they have a fantastic number together. that was just the start of what promised to be an amazing show. soon thereafter came what is arguably the most amazing baritone ever. through his entire aria i was amazed, then came the last note, out of no where came what must have been and octave 5th overtone that was well audible and my soul melted a little bit. we met up with joel ben and eric (did i mention his intense v neck?) after the show. all in all it was the most amazing friday i've had in a very, very long time.

on to satuday.... not much to say, i did nothing... i slept till 11, woke up, laid in bed for an hour, ate, watched tv and that was about it...

same thing happened sunday, except i founf this show on hulu, i find it fantastic, it's called merlin and i can't get enough of it.

to today, day started good, i played guitar and sang, what more could i want? then came rehearsal where i did nothing. i took megan's ipod and joked around with her a bit but i quickly notice that this wasn't a day to do that so i told her who had it after she came back. after a while she was on the ground almost in tears. so, being the kind hearted person i am, i went to go see what was wrong, she didn't know, so i just sat there with her. then was papas pizza... could that have been much more of a wreck?

yeah, so that's what's gone on recently.

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on to today's poem

this one is brough to you by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

So, without further ado here is: Loss and Gain

When I compare

What I have lost with what I have gained,

What I have missed with what attained,

Little room do I find for pride.

I am aware

How many days have been idly spent;

How like an arrow the good intent

Has fallen short or been turned aside.

But who shall dare

To measure loss and gain in this wise?

Defeat may be victory in disguise;

The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

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i think that maybe i owe you another poem, this one'll do:The Beguiling of Merlin (after E.B.J.) by  Michael Villena

Cast thy spell, oh cruel one! Transform this flesh into spirit! To languish amidst lost growth. A prisoner wed to broken dreams, In this forest that seasons spared. With thy beloved voice now speak, And read from thy book and utter From thy lips where passion once flowed Now bitter promises that will entomb. That I had by my own hands once wrote, My very words now thine weapon, ever sharp, Thy jeweled dagger into this captive heart! Yet forgivness now my parting gift to thee. With loving hands affix thy eternal crown. And my love for thee will forever take What was profane and make it sacred! Even as thou whisper the final word, And so make well thy spell complete. Where once my being, now vines entwine. With my last mortal breath I say to thee, 'Love, I bid thee with sorrow... And these tears for thy inkwell. And this love I bequeath to thee. A final farewell, for all time. Adieu...' that's all for tonight. that was a long one wasn't it?

EGO

so, i guess a great deal of thing have happened over the past few days, just not to me. i guess that can be a good thing and a bad thing. the biggest thing that has happened to me over the past 2 days was attempting to help with the situation between Cassie and Matt.

i don't have much to say today, nor do i feel like i will on any given day, words aren't my strong suite.

as far as happy goes, today was slightly above average, i sang and actually talked to people i care about and i guess it technically was today that i found out that lane is doing rent next year.

completely random change of pace.

i miss summer. i miss the heat. i miss sitting on my deck and playing guitar at sunset in the warmth and having an audience on the other side of the fence. i miss hanging out with my friends till late at night. most of all i miss the freedom.

i realize not i don't have something fancy in my posts like many other people and i feel like i should. i mean, all the cool people do right? i could ask a question but as of right now, i'm pretty sure only 2 people will read this so i don't think that'd work. i'm not gonna copy other people and put a song in my status. i could put a random piece of poetry that kinda reflects thing right now. i think i might do that.

so todays random piece of poetry is:

EGO by Danny Klein

A sea of waves Is a pretty common thing
A bird in a tree is as predictable as spring;

Heads will not often turn at the sight of a rock filled with gravel
A path led destination is not frequently the source of marvel;

Pertaining to its matter is devoid of any wonder
With casual exchange is met the rain by thunder;

Respite in temperance is as natural as living
the angels will not weep for the darkening of evening;

Clinging to the sparks is a necessary practice
For a song without a theme is as right without the righteous;

Bar the past's escape till the chain destructs of rust
Your artist will be lost its sketch will turn to dust;

A man without a name does not know what he is called
Devoured by the same found track in every road;

But the differences we seek make up the ultimate irony
For a reflection is never more than the image's proxy.

wow ummm... this feels kinda awkward

ok so, lots of bad things going on in my life, and very few good. just gonna ramble on, it won't make much sense and i won't blame you if you stop reading it

i guess i'll start off with, i have fucked up big time with school. and while i know that I've fucked up, i can't seem to find any motivation to try harder... with that as an opener it seems like it should get better from here right? wrong... because i fucked up, i am now at risk of beeing pulled from dubs and theatre. needless to say, that got me a bit emotional during my meeting with my counselor and i started crying... in front of my mom... never before have i felt so emasculated... here's where things start looking up a bit. turns out i've been more flirtatious than usual with Sass... i haven't noticed anything but apparently megan has so, i guess i must have been. ok so, i have absolutely no clue what i am writing anymore, it probably makes no sense. i miss the friends i used to have, the ones that i have since lost contact with. namely cassie. we're still friends and when she knows something is wrong she is always there and supportive, but at the same time i feel so far away from her... as of this moment my closest friends are megan, jeff and nick. i find it strange that nick has become one of my closest friends, before urinetown i really didn't like him but the more i hang out with him the more he grows on me. i don't know what else to say so i guess i'll end it with a simple: thank you, and good night.