fuck you

This is my life, it's not your fucking problem.

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really?

Are my clothes becoming that which defines me? I'm starting to lose all sense of individuality. Every part of me seems to be taken from other people. Even this feels like its taken directly off of someone else. Are my dreams really my dreams? Are my goals really my goals? Humph, this is all a pointless post anyway, odds are that anyone who reads this will stop before they get this far. The only time I feel real, like my own person, is when I'm hanging out with Jenny and honestly, that scares me. What'll happen if we stop being good friends? Ugh, worthless rambling just makes me feel worse.

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Fury

Congratulations Andrew, you have gotten on my hate list faster than anyone else. Until you grow the fuck up, I will not associate with you, acknowledge you, or anything else. You are dead to me. You have some serious learning to do, it's not that people don't like you because you're gay, people don't like you because you are a self-righteous asshole who uses being gay as a crutch to make yourself feel better. I don't have words to describe how much you annoy me, it took everything I had not to punch you today. What you did is not okay in any respect. Therefor, I am done with you. Goodbye and good riddance.

Please, keep watch over her when I can't. I'd do anything for her and I feel better with even a vague belief that there is someone, or something, looking after her.

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I am enjoying brady so much right now

11:23pmBrady
'i just thought of a new way to annoy people!
im not gonna.. but i wanna test it on you
Knock Knock
11:24pmMe
who's there?
11:24pmBrady
(just go with it)
ok hang on restart
knock knock
11:24pmMe
knock knock
11:24pmBrady
noo!
11:24pmMe
who's there
11:24pmBrady
me knock knockk
11:24pmMe
who'se there
11:25pmBrady
hahaha this isnt working
hang on
3
2
1
knock knock
11:25pmMe
who is there
11:25pmBrady
your mom
(:
11:25pmMe
your mom who?
11:25pmBrady
DOING YOUR MOM!

Welcome back winter, once again.

It feels good to be arranging a song and know that there is at least one person who thinks its really good. The bass line is completely finished (syllables and all!) and the rest of the are about are through measure 41 out of 107 (just 66 more to go!)

It's done.

I not mad anymore, I forgive you for reacting the way you did to what I said. I'm sorry things had to be like that. I don't hate you, at least, not anymore, I probably did for a while. I don't really have an urge to talk to you, but know that if you feel like talking, I'm ready now. ha, who am I kidding, you probably wont even read this, odds are, you've blocked me from your mind entirely. But, still, I'm not mad anymore.

my world

Things have been on the up for me recently, I actually enjoy singing and playing guitar again, I don't do it just so I don't forget how anymore. I am feeling close to friends I haven't felt close to in a long time, but unfortunately I feel like I'm loosing my connection with my best friend and it is killing me, I don't know what to do, half the time I text her, she doesn't respond and the other half our conversations are generally short lived. I miss her so much, I need her to come back down to Eugene and have a day for just us to hang out and get back what we had. Other than that, things have been pretty good in my life, I'm quite content with where, and who, I am.

long story short, I'm enjoying life and Megan, I want you to reappear in my life.

title...

I'm pretty sure part of your most recent blog was about me. First things first, you definitely don't bother me, I've been dealing with changes to who I am, and am trying to get used to them while still essentially being me and it gets really stressful sometimes. I know it seems like I am getting annoyed, and the truth is, I probably am, but it's not because of you, I've started annoying myself to no end. There are so many things I want to talk to you about, I just don't know how to say them sometimes. And no matter what, even if I have to move the earth itself, you will not lose me, I can't do that to you and it would kill me too. As you very well (hopefully) know, I love you and I'm here for you too.

strike a chord

I'm so close to being done with my first song. Just some minor tweaking, then memorization. It's not great, but it's definitely not bad, I like it enough to where i would perform it in a concert setting. so yeah, expect a song from me in the near future.

Be safe...

So, I have this friend. His name is Garrett. He is one of my best friends in the entire world. He is the only one left that I'm actually friends with from my elementary school class. Sure, there's Patrick, but we don't really talk very often.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Garrett is going into the military and it hit me today that that means he won't be around much. Garrett is the only guy in this entire world that I feel I can trust with anything, I'd trust my life with him. I'm deathly afraid that once he's gone, we'll drift apart, he'll make new military buddies and i'll be stuck here. Sure I'll be making new friends too, but none of the guys will probably ever be as good a friend as Garrett was to me. He's probably my 3rd best friend in the entire world and losing him would destroy me. Some of you are probably thinking, "it's fine, you won't drift apart. He'll come visit and it'll be like he never left." but that's the thing, where he's going, it changes people, they don't come back who they were before, and scariest of all, sometimes they don't come back at all... I'm terrified for him. I know this all sounds utterly ridiculous to some people, but the thought of losing one of my best friends is one of the scariest and most painful thoughts I've had. No matter what, I will support him in every endeavor imaginable, even this one, but I do so very begrudgingly, because he will change, and he won't be the same care free, reckless person that I fall back on, even without him knowing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what, he is my friend, and even tough I may not like it, he has to do what he wants and the most i can do is support him and hope it doesn't change him too much and that he does come back. I'm going to miss him more than most of you probably realize. with that, I'm going to stop writing this and move on to writing him a letter.

Lets get down to business

The job hunt really begins tomorrow.

Home sweet home

As much as i love my dad and all of that family, i miss my friends, I am so ready to be back home. the only thing i have kind of planned is that at some point on saturday, i'm watching ghost hunters with alyssa. aside from that i am free so please, please tell me about things going on this coming week.

Stress

Maybe at my Dad's all this fucking stress will go away.

Sometimes I really fucking hate people.

Today marks the end

Today is callbacks. I've been pulling up memories all day. Flash back to 2 years ago. I was a sophomore, excited and nervous as all hell. Flash forward to 2 hours later I'm singing and being judged, I knew I had a shot at making it, but i couldn't help but shake a bit. Nancy had us all sit down and called us up as groups. this was when it got really scary. I tried not to pay attention to the people waking in front of me, behind me just listening, I couldn't help but watch when one stopped near me and started writing something on their pad of paper, trying to imagine what they were writing. I was told to sit down. So, I managed to relax for a while. Then I was called up again, more nervous than ever. I wasn't told to sit back down. I stood up there for the rest of call backs. I made it in.

Flash forward a year, it's call backs again. I'm confident this time, I knew what I was doing. I got up, sang with my group and was promptly sat back down. Thats when i got scared. After a few rounds I was told to come sing again. I was decidedly more nervous but still kind of confident, I was sat down again after a few round, but shortly thereafter was told to come back up. I made it in again.

Flash back to the present. It's callbacks again, but this time, I'm not singing, I'm judging. I'm going to be the one scaring people, I'm going to be the one helping Nancy decide who gets in and who doesn't. I need to forget all that I know about the people auditioning and be un-biased.

Today will be so very bitter sweet, but that's kind of common now. I love what I do, singing with dubs, and I am realizing now, that I might make it so that other people who love singing too, might not get that opportunity and it makes me feel like a bit of an ass, but I have to do what will make the group as good as it can be next year. I need to pay attention to the people's voice, blend, vowels, if they are enjoying themselves and attitude. I'm not holding anything back today, i will be brutally honest and accept what comes with that.

I was right

Tonight was very bittersweet. I'm so proud of all of you who graduated. You'll do fantastic things in life. I'm so pissed at Nathan. I'm fucking done with him.

Grad

Tonight will be very bittersweet, but i am very proud of all my graduating friends.

Goodbyes

So, Junior Goodbyes ended not even and hour ago and i have so many thoughts running through my head. I'd like to say that i don't pick favorites, but i do, i really do. That brings me to this blog. I have 3 Juniors that I favor over all the rest and I want to say goodbye to them in some public form even though I'm hopefully going to be seeing them on Monday. So i guess I'm just going to start, this is in no particular order.

Kate- I'm probably going to sound kind of creepy for a bit of this, but that's only because I've know you for so long. As you were telling the story of how 2nd grade me confessed my love for you, I started thinking about how that effected me as life continued and I realized that even though the memory of that had slipped my mind and I didn't talk to you anymore for a long time, I actually ended up thinking about you a good bit. Every time that I saw David, my first thought was almost always, "i wonder how Kate is?" then i'd realize how creepy that was and i'd push it out of my mind. The you showed up at theatre and I didn't recognize you at first, then someone asked me, "Isn't that David's little sister?" and it hit me so i said, "You mean Kate? Yeah, David's her brother." I had wanted to talk to you for a while after that, but I always felt really awkward because I didn't think you remembered me, so I didn't for a really long time. The first time I remember actually talking to you after that (aside from the occasional hello or what not) you seemed really down, you were leaning up against the concrete wall thing outside the school, so i decided that i was going to ask you what was wrong. So, I came up to you and said one word, "Kate?" you seemed completely shocked so i kept going and asked you what was wrong. I could tell you didn't feel very comfortable so i ended early with, "well, if you ever need to vent, I'm available." I didn't talk to you for a really long time after that because i felt even more awkward. Then megan got you into the inner circle consisting of her, ryan, james, cassie and occasionally me and we started talking more and we became friends again and i was really happy. then that year ended and summer came around and we didn't hang out at all and then my junior year came around and i couldn't do theatre till Gypsy came around and at that point, I had became estranged to basically everyone but the people who were in choir so i didn't talk to anyone else. then came this year, lights meetings started and for the most part we didn't really interact at the start, then came this one night at a light's meeting for dracula that lasted till 1 but you had to leave early, on that night, we had the first real conversation we had had in a long time... and it was about breakfast cereal. we started talking more and more throughout the course of the year and you became one of the few people i wasn't afraid of being myself around no matter what the situation was. I feel like i can talk to you about anything and not worry about what you're going to say because you'll at least try to have a helpful response. I'm going to miss you so much.


Nick- I don't even know what to say to you. As you were taking me home i told you the story i'm about to tell the world. The other day, Jonathan told me about what you looked like as a freshman, for those who know him, imagine if you will a Nick van Eekeren who is smaller, wears pink shirts, has shorter hair that is slightly spiked with frosted tips. When i first saw this my immediate thought was, "wow... this kids probably a douchebag." Little did I know that that "douchebag" would come to be one of my favorite people. I've never had a problem being myself around you, I don't remember when i actually met you for the first time but i think it was in some way through will. Anyway, I've always been able to be comfortable around you, sure, i've felt awkward but not enough to make me upset or not comfortable. i don't know what it is but you are so easy to talk to and i don't know why i don't more often. You told the story today of how you were in the bays and were talking and i said, "God?" and you thought, "cool, Josh Cole thinks i'm God!" Truth be told, had it been another person, i probably wouldn't have done that. I would say that you are one of my closest friends, but i don't talk to you enough for that to be true, you are one of my close friends though and we can easily change that. Now that i've thought about it, i think i remember the first time I actually hung out with you. it was at wills house, if i remember correctly, over the summer when there was that meteor shower. you might not have been there but i think you were... It doesn't really matter how we me though, we did and that's what does. I just remembered our plan to swap places one day! you were going to get platform shoes and a nose job and i was going to change my hair style and after that became an established look for each of us, we were going to switch and i would be drum major for a day! we have to hang out this summer, maybe have a Sonic marathon or something to that effect. I'm going to miss you immensely next year.

Alyssa- I get the feeling that yours is going to be the shortest and it makes me sad. You and I are twins separated at birth, there is no denying it and we don't. To think that i only really started talking to you like 3 or 4 weeks ago. We were on Facebook and you chatted me up and said something along the lines of, "by extension we are now best friends" and my immediate reaction was, "I think this will be fun" so i think i said, "i'm down with that" or something like that. Look at us now, it's coming true! I know i can come to you about anything and we'll end up spinning off in some weird direction that takes us to a completely different topic and that path will only make sense to us. As you were saying your Junior Goodbye to me, it looked like you were about to cry and i realized that I might have had the potential to break the 8 year streak after only a month of really being friends. I almost broke down there but we were to busy being crazy for me to not be smiling. I don't even remember how the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Josh hug (i am so sick of writing all of that so i'm just going to start abbreviating it to the WWIAFJ hug)but i'm so glad it did, I'm pretty sure you are the only person i have a hug that crazy with and it wouldn't work with anyone else, it wouldn't feel right. I think the memory of you that will stick out the most whenever i think of you will be that day i was feeling really down so you made it your mission to cheer me up, it started working with the text that said "be ready for a cheer josh up extravaganza" That hour or so was amazing! cinnamon rolls, sobe, cookies n' creme candy bar and fantastically fun conversations worked so well to cheer me up. You've seen the more crazy side of me that not very many people see and you have taken it full stride and seemed to have fun doing so. you put up with all my worries and it helps a lot. The only thing that sucks is that most of the time we interact it is through text, we need to actually hang out more! I'm amazed at how much i'm going to miss you!


Well... that's really all that was on my mind. now i'm lonely... i guess i could go to bed...

what is going on?!

I don't know what's happening to me. My head is saying things I refuse to believe and my dreams are telling me others. Don't get me wrong, on average I'm a content person, but I get that feeling that i don't belong anywhere again. I hate this school... i love the theatre and choirs but i hate the school. Then there was this morning. not even a single hello from bryan just before he left. I'm going to stop being a whiny bitch now and go hang out with Alyssa because she's available and good at cheering me up.

Chicago

I can't even think of that city without my heart sinking. I know leaving would be good for her but I hate the thought of it. Earlier today Hollis was talking about Chicago and London with Megan and I couldn't stand being within earshot, I had to go and just lay down because I knew that if I went into the practice room they'd know something was wrong. I really don't want her to go, I know it'd be something like 6 months from now (hopefully no less than that) and even though that seems like a long time, things are going to go by really fast and before I can even raise a hand, she'll be gone.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, it's not going to change anything, she is miserable here and I'd feel terrible if I made her stay.

Thoughts

so, everyone else has been posting about the people that mean the most to them so i think i'll give it a shot. i don't quite know how this is going to turn out and i will probably not be able to finish it in time considering that i have to go to be in 7 minutes (it's 10:53 right now). so i'm gonna steal other peoples setup.

Hollis- I find it astounding how much this girl means to me. When i feel down, I know that i can count on her to pick me up even if she didn't know i was down. Her very presence makes me happier. Sure she can be stubborn and hard to work with sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way, she wouldn't be Hollis if she wasn't like that. I would do anything for her. She quickly became one of my closest friends and i am proud to call her my girlfriend. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life right now.

Megan- She is my best friend in the entire world. She knows things about me that I didn't even know. Because I can't think of a better way to describe it, I'm going to steal her words "Even when we don;t talk as much as we should we have this special connection that just makes everything easier." I wouldn't be who I am today without her. She has changed me so much that I look back at who I was freshman year and I see a stranger. I can tell her anything and know that she would never tell anyone if i asked her.

Nick R.A.- This may surprise some people but nick means a lot to me and that's why I'm so hard on him about singing. he has the potential to be great and I trust him to lead the baritones next year, which is saying a lot since I didn't think he had what was needed till the show started.

Nick Van Eekeren- This kid affects me more than I realized. As I sat on the stage early this morning looking around at the people in the pit, I thought about what each person meant to me and when I got to nick, I instantly started crying again. I don't know if ill be able to handle his junior goodbye...

There are so many more important people in my life, but these are the top four right now. I would write more but I'm almost crying again so I'm going to stop.

Very good ending to today. I am very happy

Why didn't she fight for me? Why didn't she say no? So many why's in a decision I already regret....

Disregard my other posts today im so much happier now that we've talked. I wanted that hug to go on forever.

Please note that I'm not angry just... shocked... I think... I don't quite know what to feel. But I trust her so i beloved her when she says she had no choice.

Well that was a goodish night turned shitty

two world collide

I very well may get into trouble in the morning. but i don't really care cause whatever my mom can dish out, i can take in full stride. It was worth it. Glee and the most predictable movie I've ever watched and not finished.

Gah! is it hell week already? we open this friday. that's a scary thought. i don't know if i'm ready, we haven't worked some of what still needs to be worked. i don't have a costume for roger roosevelt yet.

I can tell sometimes that the frustration that i have in a day carries over into my performance as McQueen... I'm not a very good actor. i dunno, maybe this is all pre-show jitters, butterflies, whatever you want to call it.

it's been a while since i've blogged, like actually blogged. i've been a little preoccupied i guess. i've been working on a song and i am having such a hard time with it. i have a verse and a half but i might be scratching that half, it doesn't quite fit in. how i envy the people who can sit down and write a song in 2 hours... i've been working on this for nearly a month, i think i have some advanced form of writers block, i'll call it writers carbonite.

so, i'll leave you with the verse (that i am keeping for sure) of the song that i am working on

let me tell you bout my story
there ain't no fame and not much glory
the man that i am today
i owe to you, i swear it's true
so i, walk down the hall
and everything, it seems so small
in this world, we call home
through my heart, i'm left to roam

I've had this set up for a while but I've never bothered to try it.
For those confused I'm writing this via text.

Little space left.

I worry about my friends.

what a day?

today (well yesterday i guess) was a roller coaster. it made me realize how much i love theatre. once i got going in rehearsal all my problems seemed to melt away. once i was off stage for more then 5 minutes though , the emotions came flooding back and i came close to crying again. i don't know if nancy realizes the pain she's caused or not, but i don't intend to let her see that pain. if nothing else i will be strong to prove to myself that even in the face of destruction i can keep moving forward. aside from that good day. met Jessica, played some ninja and above all caring friends. I love you all. thank you for being there for me when i needed it.

Great weekend ends

Wow! what a weekend. probably one of the best weekends i've ever had.
If you don't want to read what i did there is more at the end that isn't what i did this weekend
going with bullet-points from here
Friday
* slept in.
* woke up at 9
* had a fantastic breakfast
* got ready
* got in limo
* PARTY
* Get out of limo with Stunner Shades (Shutter Shades)
* Jaws dropped at level of douche baggery
* sang
* got in limo
* PARTY
* got lost
* Quiet time
* Found the right place
* Got out of limo
* went through security
* Got back in limo
* went to gate
* got out of limo
* went behind the scenes of Disneyland
* Top Secret Stuff
* Performed in Disney land
* got in Limo
* PARTY
* people take pictures of us in limo
* get out of limo
* feel like a Celeb.
* go into castle
* have awesome food and watch awesome show
* buy things
* get in limo
* quiet time
* get out of limo
* SLEEP
Saturday
* Get up early
* eat
* Walk to the happiest place on earth
* Have Fun/use Joel for extra fast fun
* eat
* Have more fun!
* Have more fun still
* buy stuff
* Go back to hotel
* Change
* Walk back to Disneyland
* make way to frontier land
* Not care that "that aint a walkway man. for real."
* wait for nancy
* go to sit down
* fireworks start
* move to better view
* feel like a 9 year old for 30 minutes
* go back to group
* watch fantastically funny musical performance
* enter Merlin
* Merlin makes funny jokes
* awards begin
* I get annoyed by the group next to us
* win 1st place gold!
* get annoyed by group next to us again
* Joel wins award
* Scream
* calm down
* Kid in group next to us starts beat boxing
* Awards over
* choose between lame dance and rides
* rides
* more fun
* start riding rocket ships
* fear for my life
* Sleep
Sunday
* wake up
* Go to Ihop
* find out i don't have enough to pay for hollis' food
* Feel bad....
* rush to get packed
* get to airport
* wait
* get on plane
* get off plane
* wait for 3.5 hours
* get on plane
* get off plane

well that was my weekend

On to why i'm really writing
I guess this weekend really opened my eyes as to how estranged i am from the rest of dubs, i'm close to Hollis, Peyton and maybe sean, carly, alisa and kelsey. i'm friends with everyone, but i don't feel like i fit in, ya know? like, were i to disappear from sheldon right now, they'd notice (maybe) but none of them would really care except for the aforementioned 6. i know it seems like it's all in my head, but i know it's true. i'm nothing special to the rest, i'm just a guy involved in something great in their lives. 10 years from now, how many of them will even remember who i am? i try to get closer to them, but it seems like there is some invisible barrier that i am stuck behind while everyone else can pass through. i don't know why it's taken me so long to realize what it was that was making me feel this way. i've had the feeling since dubs started this year, i just haven't been able to place a finger on it. i dunno. my mind is too fucked up to think about it much right now. mini-rant concluded.

hmm, i think i'll throw what i have for an unfinished, untitled song up instead of a poem that i found.

let me tell you bout my story
there ain't no fame and not much glory
the man that i am today
i owe to you, i swear it's true
so i, walk down the hall
and everything, it seems so small
in this world, we call home
through my heart, i'm left to roam


la da da da da da da da

listen up this won't take much longer
compared to other guys
i'm not harder better faster stronger
but one thing is for sure
it's you that i adore

awkward day...

so, here's how my day went, bad nosebleed school, getting set up with a date for prom that i'm not entirely sure if i'm gonna follow through with, more school, dubs, theatre, awkward times with hollis, fun times with hollis, awkwardly fun times with hollis, writing. the end

decision made

so, since there haven been any suggestions as to how i should ask this person to prom and i cant think of anything creative, I'm just gonna do it the old fashioned way with a simple "_____ would you like to go to prom with me?"

Prom

Keeping it short, i'm thinking of asking someone to prom but i want to do it in at least a semi-classy way but i need ideas, so, what do you recommend?

Hello again

it's been a while hasn't it? at least a few days, probably a week.

so, how are you guys? hopefully everything is going good, i'm sure i have some lurkers i just don't know how to tell how many... i got my permit renewed today and became a registered voter. i'm not quite sure what to think of that.

i've been in need of some good old dancing in the rain... i haven't had a chance to yet... yes it's been raining but when it is i'm either at school or have stuff with me and am trying to get home as fast as possible so that i don't.

so i just found out that there is going to be a new A-Team movie... why must Hollywood ruin all that is good and right? there is a chance it'll be a good movie but i am not getting my hopes up. i did for watchmen and was sorely disappointed.

why is making a song so hard? specifically finding/writing lyrics? i mean honestly, I've cycled through at least a hundred poems today and found maybe one that i can do something with... i give up... at some point i'll hire a writer to write songs for me, i'll give them a general idea and some specifics so that i can relate to it personally.

I've been talking to Hollis a lot recently, it's refreshing, and fun. we tend to ramble on about seemingly nothing... until i kill the conversation that is. then we start on something else. we can talk for such a long time though. take today for example, we started talking at 8:30pm and talked until 11:04. i haven't managed to have long conversations with people in a long time, i forgot how good being social felt.

i haven't even felt the need to blog thanks to Hollis. I have nothing to get out, no anger to vent, no big angst (just the normal teenage boy stuff) the only thing that I have to rant about right now is the A-Team movie. Just talking to Hollis has improved my overall outlook on life and has led to me being happy again, really happy, that genuine happy where you can't wipe the grin off your face no matter how hard you try. I can only hope that i have returned a fraction of what she has given me back to her.

Time to ruin the size streak. i case you didn't notice, the paragraphs were getting longer and longer, but that stops here.

I've recently been watching If I Can Dream. it an online show that helps people achieve their dreams. i feel like such a stalker when i'm watching it though since there are 24-7 live video feeds watching them. i can watch them sleep if i wanted.

tried to audition for glee today but it failed. after i recorded my introductory statement i uploaded it and it wouldn't do anything from there.

Well i guess that's about all for tonight. Poem time:
this one is personalized it's called Pair. it's by Sandra Simon
You’re someone there, just like a “pair”
Who’d be there in times of despair…

Just like hands or eyes or feet.
you’ll help me up when i am beat,
With one wink and the day’s brightened,
you’ll run with me when i'm suddenly frightened…

I wonder why I’m writing this,
To someone whom I used to hardly miss,
So weird, so queer, but yet subtly sweet…
Indeed a friend… Hollis, you're neat!
Someone who was once my stranger


Kind of an abrupt end isn't it? oh well. G'night

Moral Confusion

The more i read hollis' blog the more i worry. I feel as though i should do something to help her feel better but i don't know what. Many times I've thought of dropping by her house and asking if she wanted to watch a movie but then i think that that could remind her of Aaron and she'll become more sad and things will be stressed between us for a while, and i don't like the thought of that. But at the same time I see things getting worse and i think that there has to be something i can do to help and the cycle continues. Being a good friend can be so frustrating at times...

In other news, my weekend with the family in gig harbor was fun. Right now i'm in puyallup, sitting in my aunts house, and it is poring. I miss my friends and I miss the theatre. I miss the atmosphere in Sheldon. i miss 4 lb tubs of licorice. i wanna go home... i miss,... my routine.

memories

formatting might be terrible, writing this from my phone. while looking for my ds (which for some reason, not being able to find it makes me want to cry) I came across something I wrote last year. as I read it I thought of what might have inspired it. I realized that I wrote it when megan was having her big breakdowns almosr a year ago. so megan, this is a song I started writing for you but never finished: our time is near
the start is here
with all our knowledge
what's there to fear

all time is a thought
it's here, then it's not
experiences come
just to be forgot
but look into your heart
you and I are connected
in a way that's not taught
to those would stop.


so there you have it. I might get around to finishing it someday.

it is 3:20

and i have been awake for... 33ish hours... is that a bad thing? going to garretts tomorrow... well i guess it's today isn't it, staying there till Wednesday... then coming back home. renewing my permit thursday morning then going to washington... i bought pokemon heart gold... but i can't find my ds... i'm kinda getting concerned... i have scoured my house for it and still no sign... the ride up to washington is going to be hell... unless i drive... which i probably won't cause my mom can't stand being in the passenger seat on long drives... ramble ramble ramble... i see tape... i want to play with tape... can i make a ds out of tape... silly me... of course not... unless i had a huge power source... then maybe... got a haircut today... errrrr... yesterday.... i don't even know what's really real right now... am i actually typing? or am i just imagining it?... i'm cccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... i used my knife to separate the fake vest from my han solo halloween costume then i continued to tear it apart... hmmmm//// it is now 3:28 good night........ maybe.................................................................................................................... ......................................................COLON.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................dot..................................................period............................. squiggle

keeping it short

i don't have much to write about. the only reason i'm writing is because i have writers block and am writing and important paper. it's for my heath class. i'm writing about our obese child Ping-Pang. i know its bad, but just wait till you hear the rest of the family, the dad is Jesus and the mom is Jen... we are terrible people...
time for the poem.
this one is by Alan Vigor and is titled On the Edge
Mind like mush
brain in turmoil
control breaking down
isolation and pain
emptiness and hate
for far too long
this has been my fate
throw me a lifeline
a miracle or rope
to get through this life
or at least give me hope.

Vocal extremities B-A

so this one'll be pretty short. woke up this morning and my voice felt a lot lower than it normally does when i wake up, so i got to my piano and it turns out that i could audibly bit a low B. so after lots of singing with dubs, i'm walking around playing my guitar and i star playing You and I Both and singing a long. i decide to try and belt the highest note in the song and i do it without a break or anything... it was an A above mid C. that is all for today....
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I'm gonna give you two poems today because i found an awesome one and still want to find one that applies to me right now: so here's the awesome one
YOUNG SIMBA (LION) by Mdari Mtuweta Jacob

When the scattered dust settles
And the wind stands still
When the birds stop singing
And take up positions on the trees
When the chirping insects hush
And move to safer grounds
when hunters tuck-in their arrows
And race towards the sound of the mighty roar
When bovines stop eating and observe from a distance
As they ruminate over the situation
when the bees take a break and peep from their hives
and the nocturnal creatures are seen
creeping from their sleeping dens
in broad day light
fixing their gaze towards the might roar
when all other echoes stop calling
and the only echo calling is that of a mighty roar
Then,
A challenge has just been made
A young male lion has just roared
And a king, an old guard
has been challenged
Young simba wants the king’s
Pride, territory and honor
In short,
Young simba wants the lion’s share
He wants supremacy over the savannah
All are aware
A call to war
Is one that can’t be turned down?
A duel is inevitable
A duel is imminent
And as the plains come to a stand
All eyes are focused on the two fighters
Who are keying up for a combat
A combat
That is more often than not ended by death
So they all gather to witness
What is it going to be?
Crowing of a new king
Or,
Confirmation of supremacy by an old guard
Winner takes it all
The fight is on
They circle each other
Sizing each other up
And leap towards each other simultaneously
They meet in the air
And clash
With claws and canines on the offensive
They claw, they bite, they roll
They flatten the grass
Crush the shrubs and flowers
And cause the earth to tremble
Further away,
Spectators move from the fighters
As blood starts dripping
Bones get crushed
Mane ripped out
And flesh is shredded
“So, the lion too bleeds” a shocked rabbit asks
“I wonder how its flesh taste?” the hyena wonders
“ Very nice, very tasty,
Once I killed and ate a male lion” the silver- backed jackal lies
The battle heats up
they look ferocious and terribly frightening
‘awesome’ the tortoise softly whispers
‘indeed’ the hedgehog answers back
little surprise they are called
lords of the jungle
the monkeys cheer young simba
the foxes wait to see who is winning,
so they can cheer him
the baboons are loyal to their king
and wonder if they can help him
and for the lioness and their cubs
they can only watch and wait

young simba is losing
he breaks-off limping and running
and this disappoints the vultures circling above
and the hyenas too
they’d hoped the combat would end with the
death of at least one of the fighters
how they had whetted their appetites
for a rare delicacy
how they had looked forward
to feasting on the remains of royalty
young simba flees
but they all know
they haven’t seen the last of him
the old guard has triumphed,
but narrowly
his experience has saved him.... today
young simba was stronger but impetuous
he wanted to make short work of the king
he failed got wounded and wiser
soon a call to battle will be echoed again
and once again everything will stand still
to witness a duel
and may be, just may be
a new king will be crowned
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and if you stuck through that here is the one that applies to me right now:
this is Why? by Kevin Berdine
Why?

Why do we listen,
when we know the song will end?
Why do we cherish,
when we know that love will abandon us?
Why do we nurture those
that are bound to leave the nest?
Why do we thrive,
only to fade back into the Earth?
Why are you there?
Why am I here?

Why does spring bring a beauty
that will be smothered by the cold?
Why am I lonely in a room full of people?
Why is there pain?
Why am I here?

Does my presence here really matter?
Will my absence?
Do my breaths steal air
from the lungs of others?

As I search for the answers,
I only find more to question.
Why do we live?
Why am I here?

Why?

It's been a while

i meant to blog when i got home form the opera on friday, but slept instead, i meant to write saturday but watched tv instead, same with sunday, but i'm writing now... obviously... boy is there a lot on my mind, some of which i'll express now some i won't.

ok, back to friday, that was the most fun i've had in a long while. i don't know why but for the first time in a long time, i actually felt like i was fully accepted with a group of people, the fun started when i got back from bi-mart and found out that a few people going to the opera were going out and just chillin', i managed to catch a ride with Kaitlyn Joel and daniel. i've never felt super comfortable in Kaitlyns car, mainly cause i don't know her all that well, but whatever, i also didn't know that kaitlyn and daniel were dating till then, but everyone saw it coming at some point. First was a lunch at some mexican place near a cool little secluded doughnut shop. if i remember correctly i was with Ben, Daniel, Kade, Stephanie, Kaitlyn, Joel, Carly and Zoe. even though i didn't get much it was a lot of fun, found out that Joel and i went to kindergarten together, small world. from there we went to the little secluded doughnut shop, it was a really friendly place, only one person was working and she was extremely friendly. on the walls outside the shop the had clouds painted on a blue sky and it made me miss summer all the more. after doughnuts zoe left and the rest of us went to joels house to watch a movie. we were going to watch a Disney movie but Joels VCR wasn't working so we watched moulin rouge instead. most of us crowded on the couch while daniel was on the floor and patrick, who showed up at joels house almost at the same time we did without having been told that people were going to be there, on Joel's recliner. after the movie there was about an hour till the show started so stephanie went home to get clean (i don't actually know why she left but that's what i assume happened) kade took ben to his (kade's) house for dinner and the rest of us stayed at joel's. eric called and ended up chilling at Joel's with us. Patrick and i left early so i could get some money and so he could pick up stephanie. when we go to the hult Center we ran into Erin (i think that's how his name is spelt) and Samone (ran into Nick R.A. later but before the doors opened) so we waited till the doors opened with them. once in we waited for people and got tickets (Hollis and Carly were a bit behind the rest of us so we got their tickets for them). after that we went to get taco bell... i was reminded why not to get in a car with patrick when you are downtown... he almost took us (Nick Stephanie and me) the wrong way on a one way road... but we made it to taco bell alive scarfed down some food and got back to the hult center in time for the show.

Lights come up. on stage you see a chair a small little table with some random stuff on it, a crucifix slowly lowers via one of the hult center's rigging systems, being one to notice small insignificant details, i notice that the stage left side of the crucifix is slightly higher than the rest. Enter, Dr. Faust, he looks a little distraught you soon find out why though the first aria of the night. he then calls upon the devil and they have a fantastic number together. that was just the start of what promised to be an amazing show. soon thereafter came what is arguably the most amazing baritone ever. through his entire aria i was amazed, then came the last note, out of no where came what must have been and octave 5th overtone that was well audible and my soul melted a little bit. we met up with joel ben and eric (did i mention his intense v neck?) after the show. all in all it was the most amazing friday i've had in a very, very long time.

on to satuday.... not much to say, i did nothing... i slept till 11, woke up, laid in bed for an hour, ate, watched tv and that was about it...

same thing happened sunday, except i founf this show on hulu, i find it fantastic, it's called merlin and i can't get enough of it.

to today, day started good, i played guitar and sang, what more could i want? then came rehearsal where i did nothing. i took megan's ipod and joked around with her a bit but i quickly notice that this wasn't a day to do that so i told her who had it after she came back. after a while she was on the ground almost in tears. so, being the kind hearted person i am, i went to go see what was wrong, she didn't know, so i just sat there with her. then was papas pizza... could that have been much more of a wreck?

yeah, so that's what's gone on recently.

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on to today's poem

this one is brough to you by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

So, without further ado here is: Loss and Gain

When I compare

What I have lost with what I have gained,

What I have missed with what attained,

Little room do I find for pride.

I am aware

How many days have been idly spent;

How like an arrow the good intent

Has fallen short or been turned aside.

But who shall dare

To measure loss and gain in this wise?

Defeat may be victory in disguise;

The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

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i think that maybe i owe you another poem, this one'll do:The Beguiling of Merlin (after E.B.J.) by  Michael Villena

Cast thy spell, oh cruel one! Transform this flesh into spirit! To languish amidst lost growth. A prisoner wed to broken dreams, In this forest that seasons spared. With thy beloved voice now speak, And read from thy book and utter From thy lips where passion once flowed Now bitter promises that will entomb. That I had by my own hands once wrote, My very words now thine weapon, ever sharp, Thy jeweled dagger into this captive heart! Yet forgivness now my parting gift to thee. With loving hands affix thy eternal crown. And my love for thee will forever take What was profane and make it sacred! Even as thou whisper the final word, And so make well thy spell complete. Where once my being, now vines entwine. With my last mortal breath I say to thee, 'Love, I bid thee with sorrow... And these tears for thy inkwell. And this love I bequeath to thee. A final farewell, for all time. Adieu...' that's all for tonight. that was a long one wasn't it?

EGO

so, i guess a great deal of thing have happened over the past few days, just not to me. i guess that can be a good thing and a bad thing. the biggest thing that has happened to me over the past 2 days was attempting to help with the situation between Cassie and Matt.

i don't have much to say today, nor do i feel like i will on any given day, words aren't my strong suite.

as far as happy goes, today was slightly above average, i sang and actually talked to people i care about and i guess it technically was today that i found out that lane is doing rent next year.

completely random change of pace.

i miss summer. i miss the heat. i miss sitting on my deck and playing guitar at sunset in the warmth and having an audience on the other side of the fence. i miss hanging out with my friends till late at night. most of all i miss the freedom.

i realize not i don't have something fancy in my posts like many other people and i feel like i should. i mean, all the cool people do right? i could ask a question but as of right now, i'm pretty sure only 2 people will read this so i don't think that'd work. i'm not gonna copy other people and put a song in my status. i could put a random piece of poetry that kinda reflects thing right now. i think i might do that.

so todays random piece of poetry is:

EGO by Danny Klein

A sea of waves Is a pretty common thing
A bird in a tree is as predictable as spring;

Heads will not often turn at the sight of a rock filled with gravel
A path led destination is not frequently the source of marvel;

Pertaining to its matter is devoid of any wonder
With casual exchange is met the rain by thunder;

Respite in temperance is as natural as living
the angels will not weep for the darkening of evening;

Clinging to the sparks is a necessary practice
For a song without a theme is as right without the righteous;

Bar the past's escape till the chain destructs of rust
Your artist will be lost its sketch will turn to dust;

A man without a name does not know what he is called
Devoured by the same found track in every road;

But the differences we seek make up the ultimate irony
For a reflection is never more than the image's proxy.

wow ummm... this feels kinda awkward

ok so, lots of bad things going on in my life, and very few good. just gonna ramble on, it won't make much sense and i won't blame you if you stop reading it

i guess i'll start off with, i have fucked up big time with school. and while i know that I've fucked up, i can't seem to find any motivation to try harder... with that as an opener it seems like it should get better from here right? wrong... because i fucked up, i am now at risk of beeing pulled from dubs and theatre. needless to say, that got me a bit emotional during my meeting with my counselor and i started crying... in front of my mom... never before have i felt so emasculated... here's where things start looking up a bit. turns out i've been more flirtatious than usual with Sass... i haven't noticed anything but apparently megan has so, i guess i must have been. ok so, i have absolutely no clue what i am writing anymore, it probably makes no sense. i miss the friends i used to have, the ones that i have since lost contact with. namely cassie. we're still friends and when she knows something is wrong she is always there and supportive, but at the same time i feel so far away from her... as of this moment my closest friends are megan, jeff and nick. i find it strange that nick has become one of my closest friends, before urinetown i really didn't like him but the more i hang out with him the more he grows on me. i don't know what else to say so i guess i'll end it with a simple: thank you, and good night.